I’m back! I know, you thought I dropped off of the face of the Earth. I promise, I’m still here. We’ve been working on some remodels for the website and it took a little longer than I had planned on. But, I’m back, and not going anywhere!
A lot happened during my little hiatus, but the most recent big change in our lives has been for the first time in 43 months, I am not pregnant or nursing. For the first time in 43 months, my diet is not dictated by a tiny human! Hello cheese! Okay, not really because now my body doesn’t like dairy, but it’s cool. I’ll just continue to stare longingly at cheese…
We made it almost 14 months this time, which I am kind of sad about. If you had a hard breastfeeding journey, you probably want to punch me in the face. But it isn’t the fact that I couldn’t nurse longer, it’s the fact that neither Auden or I were emotionally ready to be done. She’s handling it just fine now, but I feel like my body betrayed me because I started getting a nursing aversion again. You can read all about the nursing aversion that ended Sutton and I’s nursing journey in an abrupt and painful way. But I’m not pregnant (trust me, I checked). Yet I could feel the beginning stages of that panic rising up in me every time I nursed.
Was it because I had been off my medicine for my postpartum depression and anxiety for a couple months? Was it because this is just how my body is? Why was this happening to me AGAIN?
But then the question arises in me, would ending this bond between her and I, no matter what the circumstances, be easy? If she ended it I would feel like I was being rejected. Ending it myself feels like I am taking away the one thing she has known as her biggest comfort since the day she was born. Ending anything, is HARD! So. Freaking. Hard.
But what I didn’t think about at the beginning of this blog that I now remember, is just because ending something is hard. Doesn’t mean it is wrong.
I can still comfort her. She still loves me and wants to cuddle.
I think one of the hardest parts of the entire process, was that when I weaned Sutton, I was pregnant, so I didn’t have to worry about the pain of drying up.
Ya’ll, I thought I was going to DIE! I was so engorged, I had blocked ducts so big I had convinced myself I had developed the fastest growing tumor ever and I had cancer. The thought of mastitis was in my head for a hot second before it skipped straight to cancer. Yes, I know, that’s just how my over reactive mind works.
But some ice packs, cabbage, tight bras, and hand pumping for comfort did the trick and my boobs are completely gone.
Time to finally get to go bra shopping! Because my DD bras from post kids won’t work. My stretched out nursing bras from DDD and probably E boobs won’t work. I now need to go find some nice 34 B bras. Yup. 34 B. The things we give up for our kids….